i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i love accidental penises.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
