Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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