Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
