Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
