Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize