Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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