Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
