She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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