Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
