I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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