so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
