So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
