I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
