I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We are all done wearing pants today
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