I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
