I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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