I CAN MOONWALK!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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