If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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