Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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