Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
