He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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