Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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