I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
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