Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
