I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
