She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
