2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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