I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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