If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
