So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
