Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
