So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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