He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Green mimosas i think yes
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize