Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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