i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
