It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
A+ Viking dick
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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