im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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