am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
