two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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