WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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