You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
