dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
