some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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