so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
