she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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