I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
