there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
