There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Randomize
