Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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