can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i love accidental penises.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
