my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
