Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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