Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
