If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
