so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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