please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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