tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
