tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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