turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
ttyl tear gas
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
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