i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
