My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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