I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
