I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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