Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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