:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
