Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
