I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
