Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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