Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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