Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
