I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
